Cell Phone Companies Merge Pregnancy Test Technology

With the inordinate amount of cell phones being replaced due to water hazzards, manufacturers are implementing technology taken from Pregnancy Tests, such as EPT+, to show the repair technicians if the phone has been submerged in liquid.

“We have had far too many warranty repairs slip through that were due to water damage”, said Rin Samivan, a spokesperson for Motorola. “Our warranty specifically states that it does not cover water damage, yet our customers are ‘playing dumb’ when asked if they came in contact with water.”

“There was this one guy that came in, a ‘big ego’ type of guy, he requested a new phone because his mysteriously died on him”, says Brandon Hill, a repair technician. “He said that he was talking in the rest room and it stopped working.  When we opened it up, we could smell that it had taken ‘the browns to the Superbowl’, as it where.  With this new technology, we would have seen the pink strip and not had to open it up to know for sure. It would have saved a few lunches here.”

It is unknown if there are any plans to make the phones able to detect and notify via text message in the case of actual conception.

Jaywalking Named as Gateway Crime

Late yesterday Bradly Jones, an analyst for Twin City Traffic Crimes, Inc., made a statement that “Jaywalking is really THE gateway crime”.  In a conference being held on the mounting problem of jaywalking in the downtown areas, Jones and company were belligerent.  “We went to the federal prisons and interviewed hardened criminals about how they got their start in crime.  We were shocked to find out that the overwhelming vast majority of those interviewed were able to pinpoint exactly the first time they jaywalked as the beginning of their ride to criminality”, said Jones.  “It was truly amazing to hear.”

“If we can get people to stop jaywalking, we should be able to easily curb all crimes”, says Police Officer Willard Phillips.  “Sure, it will be a hard fight, but we feel that we can curtail it.”

Twin City Traffic Crimes, Inc will be on hand this coming September for the Republican National Convention.  Jones said that he hopes that the jaywalking epidemic will be history by then and that they can move on to other pressing crimes, like unlicensed walkers in the down town areas.

RC Helicopter Makes Emergency Landing

Breaking News:

Similar HelicopterLate yesterday afternoon an RC Helicopter had to make an emergency landing after the pilot noticed that a decorative fin had fallen off.   “I had attached some fins on the sides of the chopper so that it would be unique”, says Ken Driscoll, the owner.  “She was a beut, but I started to notice some instability shortly after takeoff.”

“About 2 minutes into the flight, it all started to go crazy”, said Driscoll’s daughter Ashleigh.  “My dad had to act fast to save everyone from disaster! This kind of thing is what makes daddy a hero!”

Mr. Driscoll took the chopper into evasive manuevers, similar to those he learned by piloting helicopters in games such as “Battlefield 2” and “Armed Assualt”.  “If I hadn’t had all the flight time in those games, I don’t think I could have pulled it off”, said Driscoll.  “There is a happy ending, my daughter and I are both safe and now more people will know how dangerous this kind of thing can be.”