The Space Shuttle was impounded late last week when the pilot was seen swerving through an asteroid field by police officer Joe Gibson. “Office Gibson noticed the Shuttle swerving erratically from a few miles away”, said Police spokesman William Hirsch. “The Shuttle appeared to be moving with a great deal of speed and added to the swerving, it was the officer’s prerogative to make the stop.”
“When I made got the Shuttle stopped, it was plainly evident that the driver and most passengers had been drinking”, wrote Officer Gibson. “The smell of martian whiskey was very strong”.
The crew members spent the weekend in solitary confinement and were bailed out by NASA early this morning. We can only assume that one of the crew quoted that famous line again.
“Ah, Houston, we have a problem.”
Microsoft Corporation has announced that it will soon end development on Internet Explorer, the ubiquitous web browser that is bundled with every Windows PC.
“We realized that since we own the market, we have been sitting on our laurels and letting the world go by”, says Lloyd Fahrber, the lead Internet Analyst at Microsoft. “I mean, Look at Firefox. That group is really innovating. The plug-ins, the speed that it renders. It’s all good!”
“The current plan is that we are going to take a well known rendering engine and redesign it to be a bit slower and less useful, similar to what Apple did with Safari and KHTML”, said Brien Wells, an Internet Project Manager at Microsoft. “We figured that we need to buy out the intellectual property of a rendering engine and then make it available for sale from our MSN marketplace. That way, our customers will be coerced into buying it every time they turn on their computer. We will set up the page to automatically install the new browser as soon as possible and then bill the credit card we have on file.”
“When we have over 80% of the market again, we can legitimately claim that the reason we own the market would be because we really do have the best browser”, says Fahrber. “There is no way the Federal Government can force anti-trust rules on us because we will have gotten there fair and square. We will have the credit card transactions to prove it!”
Chipotle, a Denver, Colorado-based chain of “Fresh Mex” restaurants, was found guilty of “Attempted World Takeover” this last week. The company is known to have created a menu of “excellent” food that is fast becoming a favorite for the lunch-going crowds all over the country.
“My favorite place to eat lunch is Chipotle”, says 31 year old Alex Jones. “I usually get a chicken burrito with no beans, extra rice, hot sauce, and lettuce.”
“Chipotle is a horrible place. I can’t stop myself from eating there”, said Vivian Knutson. “I work in a large office that seems to have a birthday celebration every other day. The favorite place to go is Chipotle.”
Officials have cited Steve Ells, the founder of the red-hot food chain, for using a subconscious inhibitor that turns off the taste buds of anyone that has eaten a Chipotle burrito.
“By doing this, anytime a person eats something other than Chipotle, they suffer a violent episode, similar to an drug addict going through a withdrawal”, says Dewayne Linko, the government expert medical witness.
“We know what they do now and we know to warn the public”, quotes Steve Westman, the United States attorney assigned to the case. “We can confidently say that Chipotle has been foiled.”