A Washington Man disappeared in the Forest Lake Oblong this past Thursday. “His whereabouts are completely unknown”, said Forest Lake police officer, Richard Hammond. “We have had spotter planes up crisscrossing the oblong all night.”

The last person to see 38 year old William Jones, was his sister, Rita, with whom he was visiting. “He came to visit us from Tacoma last week. He said he was going to go out for a drive. See, he loves the outdoors. He hunts and fishes all the time”, said a distraught Rita. “If he could, he would be fishing every day of his life.”

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Hot on the heals of Falcon’s player Michael Vick’s indictment, A federal grand jury posthumously indicted Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen, accusing him of taking part in a well-established dogfighting operation. You may also know von Richthofen as the Red Baron, the most successful flying ace of World War I. He was credited with 80 confirmed air combat victories, or “dog fights”.

“The Baron should be held accountable for all of the horrendous dealings he had in the dog fights of the early twentieth century”, claims federal prosecutor George Mays. “He is the most well known dog fighter in history.”

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Yesterday afternoon, the driver of a Red Dodge Stratus was seen behaving as if he was on a Sunday drive. He was going 7 miles per hour slower than the speed limit and causing the line of cars behind him to curse audibly.

“That Stratus…. Ughh, If I could of just gotten ahead of it before that last turn, I wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch for the next week”, said Joe Barker, 34. “My wife heard me complaining about that stupid Stratus more than a mile from home.”

“Some people just need to learn how to drive”, quoted 17 year old Jack Miles. “I mean, come on, that guy was slowing us all down.”

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