Two scientists were recently given critical acclaim for their research showing that Pigs can not fly. Peter Jacobi and Shane Anderson are research scientists working for Regional Hospital. “We have been working non-stop for the last seven and a half years, and we have finally been able to prove, without a doubt, that Pigs can not fly, nor will they ever”, said the 29 year old Jacobi.

“We started out to prove that with the right situation, Pigs could fly. But, over the course of the last few years, we have had to reverse our stance”, said Mr. Anderson, 24.

“It was really difficult to have to admit that we were so wrong”, quotes Jacobi. “I really cried myself to sleep every night for months.”

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Late last evening at a small resort near Balsam Lake Wisconsin, Batman arrived to save a scared young woman. Right around midnight, Lorraine Frucci was startled awake. As she exploded out of her bed, a mysterious creature was stalking her every move. The creature was intent on feasting on Ms. Frucci, but she had a secret weapon. She called for Batman to rescue her. “I new he would come save me”, said an obviously startled Frucci. “He is always there when I need him!”

After a few perilous seconds, Batman did indeed arrive on the scene. Grabbing a pillow case and advancing on the foul fiend, a furious fight ensued. “There was one time that I thought Batman might fail me”, said Ms. Frucci. “He lost sight of the creature in the lights. At first he thought it was near a window, but it wasn’t.”

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5 year old Adam Maxx was selected as this years Ladies Man USA. Alaine Maxx, Adam’s mother was ecstatically shouting after the announcement. “I always new he would be a ladies man when he got older. I mean, look at his dad! He’s going to be a real catch some day.”

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