Cell Phone Companies Merge Pregnancy Test Technology

With the inordinate amount of cell phones being replaced due to water hazzards, manufacturers are implementing technology taken from Pregnancy Tests, such as EPT+, to show the repair technicians if the phone has been submerged in liquid.

“We have had far too many warranty repairs slip through that were due to water damage”, said Rin Samivan, a spokesperson for Motorola. “Our warranty specifically states that it does not cover water damage, yet our customers are ‘playing dumb’ when asked if they came in contact with water.”

“There was this one guy that came in, a ‘big ego’ type of guy, he requested a new phone because his mysteriously died on him”, says Brandon Hill, a repair technician. “He said that he was talking in the rest room and it stopped working.  When we opened it up, we could smell that it had taken ‘the browns to the Superbowl’, as it where.  With this new technology, we would have seen the pink strip and not had to open it up to know for sure. It would have saved a few lunches here.”

It is unknown if there are any plans to make the phones able to detect and notify via text message in the case of actual conception.

Jaywalking Named as Gateway Crime

Late yesterday Bradly Jones, an analyst for Twin City Traffic Crimes, Inc., made a statement that “Jaywalking is really THE gateway crime”.  In a conference being held on the mounting problem of jaywalking in the downtown areas, Jones and company were belligerent.  “We went to the federal prisons and interviewed hardened criminals about how they got their start in crime.  We were shocked to find out that the overwhelming vast majority of those interviewed were able to pinpoint exactly the first time they jaywalked as the beginning of their ride to criminality”, said Jones.  “It was truly amazing to hear.”

“If we can get people to stop jaywalking, we should be able to easily curb all crimes”, says Police Officer Willard Phillips.  “Sure, it will be a hard fight, but we feel that we can curtail it.”

Twin City Traffic Crimes, Inc will be on hand this coming September for the Republican National Convention.  Jones said that he hopes that the jaywalking epidemic will be history by then and that they can move on to other pressing crimes, like unlicensed walkers in the down town areas.

Matrix “red” pill vs. “blue” pill analogy banned from blogs.

Due to rampant overuse and abuse by net denizens, especially Slashdot folks, the use of the Matrix movie analogy of the red pill vs. the blue pill choice has been banned for an indeterminate length of time.  Apparently, the over use of any  cloying movie phraseology can have deleterious effects  on our own reality.

Researchers at the University of Southern California have discovered a small but measurable effect on the  subatomic particles known as “strange quarks” by the overuse of movie cliches.  Ever since these subatomic particles have been discovered in the 60’s (and on reanalysis of the data, as far back as 1947) their behavior seems to be inexplicably linked to the use of overdone cliches, especially those from motion pictures and television;  at this point in time, art house films appear to be free of this effect.

At this time government officials from the NATO nations are treating this as a  potential security issue and are looking at possible military intervention in the more blatant instances of abuse of movie cliches.  The Slashdot crowd have responded by “slashdotting” the Department of Defense computers and the INTERPOL database computers.

We will report on this issue as more details are revealed; IF we are all still here.