“We are marketing strictly in the southern United States of Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Arkansas”, said Jiffy Pop spokesperson, Anita Medley. “People in this region are generally known to be a ‘bit backwards’ and our inexpensive new use for an old product is also very helpful. You can’t pay too little for peace of mind when we are talking about fire.”

Fire safety expert Roanald Barker claims that the likelyhood of the new Jiffy Pop fire alarm doing the job it is designed for is astronomically high. “When this device gets hot, you start to hear a popping sound, similar to small gun shots. We southern hicks recognize gunshots very easily and we have small houses so the sound travels good.”

“It was terrifying!”, said witness, Hong Bo. “We literally thought that the world was ending.”

“The terrorist attack was abutted before it was able to get any further”, a China National Police spokesman said on Saturday. “The attack lasted for just over an hour before we were able to destroy the intruders.”

We contacted a noted computer specialist, S. Bauer, who said that “Like any Windows admin knows, this was a serious blow to the Chinese infrastructure. If it would was successful, it could have disabled every computer attached to the internet in such a way as to make it look like China killed them.” Bauer went on to say “The only question I have is why didn’t the operator notice that the Windows startup bar was running sluggish? That is the first thing any good admin will see as evidence of a problem.”

There you have it folks. It looks like a major internet disaster was stopped just short of happening.

“You can look at almost anything on Google. Just don’t try to take a look at my private community”, says Bin Laden.  “I would like to have my right to privacy!”.

Bin Laden’s camp has demanded that Google Maps remove images of his cave complex from the website’s Street View feature, where any Internet user can catch a glimpse of them from the nearest road.

Since the introduction of Google Maps’ Street View in the spring of 2007, the feature has caused controversy in several cities and with the U.S. federal government. The Pentagon banned Google Maps from taking any images of military facilities, and a Pittsburgh couple sued the company over images of their home taken from the private road in front of their house.  North Oaks was the first city to ask Google to remove street images.

It is unknown if Google has shared the information on the whereabouts of Bin Laden with any members of the military.

“Never have we seen such widespread piracy as that of Media Sentry”, said Duckworth.  “They are so far above the level of the average college kid that it is almost unbelievable.”  The recent court summons and arrest of the entire company was heralded as a huge success.  “We cought them red-handed”, said Treasury Department Agent, Willard Sott.  “There were over a hundred people and computers there.  We are proud to say that we really got them and none escaped!”

“We chalk this up to a great victory.  We are making the internet safe once again!”, said a triumphant Duckworth.

“With all the hoopla about going organic and not using bionics, we are proud to say that Jimmy’s Mexipotle is going to go drug free as well!”, said Jimmy Chan, founder of Jimmy’s Mexipotle.  “We raise our prairie dogs to be totally free to range a crossed the countryside.”

Steven Hunt, an ingredients acquisition specialist for Jimmy’s Mexipotle had this to say: “We have to trek all the way over to the Dakota’s to get our ingredients.  And it aint easy.  Those little buggers can see us from a mile away.  We have to use high-powered scopes to be able to get the drop on them.”

When asked if it was worth it, Hunt replied, “Of course!  These little guys are the best of the best.  No crazy drugs in them that could stunt a kids development, like my sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s nephew’s kid.  He has three legs and hooves.  We blame it on that contaminated goat meat that they eat down there in Tennessee.”

“We have had far too many warranty repairs slip through that were due to water damage”, said Rin Samivan, a spokesperson for Motorola. “Our warranty specifically states that it does not cover water damage, yet our customers are ‘playing dumb’ when asked if they came in contact with water.”

“There was this one guy that came in, a ‘big ego’ type of guy, he requested a new phone because his mysteriously died on him”, says Brandon Hill, a repair technician. “He said that he was talking in the rest room and it stopped working.  When we opened it up, we could smell that it had taken ‘the browns to the Superbowl’, as it where.  With this new technology, we would have seen the pink strip and not had to open it up to know for sure. It would have saved a few lunches here.”

It is unknown if there are any plans to make the phones able to detect and notify via text message in the case of actual conception.

“If we can get people to stop jaywalking, we should be able to easily curb all crimes”, says Police Officer Willard Phillips.  “Sure, it will be a hard fight, but we feel that we can curtail it.”

Twin City Traffic Crimes, Inc will be on hand this coming September for the Republican National Convention.  Jones said that he hopes that the jaywalking epidemic will be history by then and that they can move on to other pressing crimes, like unlicensed walkers in the down town areas.

Due to rampant overuse and abuse by net denizens, especially Slashdot folks, the use of the Matrix movie analogy of the red pill vs. the blue pill choice has been banned for an indeterminate length of time.  Apparently, the over use of any  cloying movie phraseology can have deleterious effects  on our own reality.

Researchers at the University of Southern California have discovered a small but measurable effect on the  subatomic particles known as “strange quarks” by the overuse of movie cliches.  Ever since these subatomic particles have been discovered in the 60’s (and on reanalysis of the data, as far back as 1947) their behavior seems to be inexplicably linked to the use of overdone cliches, especially those from motion pictures and television;  at this point in time, art house films appear to be free of this effect.

At this time government officials from the NATO nations are treating this as a  potential security issue and are looking at possible military intervention in the more blatant instances of abuse of movie cliches.  The Slashdot crowd have responded by “slashdotting” the Department of Defense computers and the INTERPOL database computers.

We will report on this issue as more details are revealed; IF we are all still here.

Late yesterday afternoon an RC Helicopter had to make an emergency landing after the pilot noticed that a decorative fin had fallen off.   “I had attached some fins on the sides of the chopper so that it would be unique”, says Ken Driscoll, the owner.  “She was a beut, but I started to notice some instability shortly after takeoff.”

“About 2 minutes into the flight, it all started to go crazy”, said Driscoll’s daughter Ashleigh.  “My dad had to act fast to save everyone from disaster! This kind of thing is what makes daddy a hero!”

Mr. Driscoll took the chopper into evasive manuevers, similar to those he learned by piloting helicopters in games such as “Battlefield 2″ and “Armed Assualt”.  “If I hadn’t had all the flight time in those games, I don’t think I could have pulled it off”, said Driscoll.  “There is a happy ending, my daughter and I are both safe and now more people will know how dangerous this kind of thing can be.”

“It is very invigorating”, said Jonas Flinn, team captain of the South Hornets. “It takes the old style boring game and brings it into the future!” Jack Grymes, founder and president, suggests that “there is nothing better than sustaining a self-induced beating while playing cards! It gives me the sense of not only building my brain, but my strength as well.

“There really aren’t a set of rules yet”, specifies Flinn, “We have just been meeting and play-testing ideas”.

The lack of rules hasn’t stopped the new sport from growing tremendously though. There are currently 8 teams on the roster:

The South Hornets, Swinging Mayberries, Happy Hotdogs, Screaming Canaries, Solitaire Stones, Barefoot Momma’s, Flying Tack, and the Jack-Aces.

Persons interested are asked to go to the South Metro Conservatory for the Thursday night meetings. “Basically, you come and pick a team that sounds cool. If they have a spot open, you are golden and the team with the best score at the end of the night wins”, says Grymes.