Lakes area business man, Wally Kaigreh was elated to realize that he can clap again. Mr. Kaigreh was involved in a dispute with his wife a little more than a year ago and had his hand amputated. “The Mrs. just flew off her coop”, said Wally. “All I know was that we were arguing about something, I forget what, but anyway, she was screaming at the top of her lungs. I just nodded off to sleep and the next thing I remember was waking up in extreme pain as my wife was wagging her finger in my face, only it wasn’t hers… It was mine.”

EMTs were unable to save his hand in time so he had to go through the process of getting a fake hand. “After over a year of physical therapy, we are happy to announce that he has relearned to clap!”, said his doctor, Angeline Kinney. “He is a joy to have around and we all look to him as an early success story.”

Mrs.  Kaigreh was unavailable for comment at the time of this story.

Today the FTC announced that the Internet is no longer dangerous.  “We have cleaned it up pretty well,” said FTC spokesperson Renata McRiddle. “The bad people pretty much stay on sites like Myspace and Facebook.”

Jeff Fields, the spokesman for Myspace agrees. “We have really pulled out all the stops to make myspace.com the monopoly on ‘bad people’.  Almost ninety percent of our population are either men posing as women or underage girls posing as women.”

A recent Gallup poll suggests that almost 78% of the United States’ pedophiles have an account on Myspace and 63% of those have more than Tom as their friends.

When researching for this article, we were unable to get in contact from anyone at Facebook.

The United States Department of Homeland Security has announced the newest weapon in the battle to keep illegals out of the lower 48. Set to go up all around the borders, these specially treated lubricated fences will help deny access to US soil.

“When an illegal approaches the fence, he or she will soon see the wrath and might of the US of A!”, says Julio Santez, a high-ranking DHS official.  “As soon as they touch the fence, they will slip right off!”

Another official that refused to be named stated that by using this new method, US Taxpayers will save billions of dollars compared to if current security standards are expanded.