Chipotle Foiled Again

Chipotle, a Denver, Colorado-based chain of “Fresh Mex” restaurants, was found guilty of “Attempted World Takeover” this last week. The company is known to have created a menu of “excellent” food that is fast becoming a favorite for the lunch-going crowds all over the country.

chipotle_burrito.jpg“My favorite place to eat lunch is Chipotle”, says 31 year old Alex Jones. “I usually get a chicken burrito with no beans, extra rice, hot sauce, and lettuce.”

“Chipotle is a horrible place. I can’t stop myself from eating there”, said Vivian Knutson. “I work in a large office that seems to have a birthday celebration every other day. The favorite place to go is Chipotle.”

Officials have cited Steve Ells, the founder of the red-hot food chain, for using a subconscious inhibitor that turns off the taste buds of anyone that has eaten a Chipotle burrito.

“By doing this, anytime a person eats something other than Chipotle, they suffer a violent episode, similar to an drug addict going through a withdrawal”, says Dewayne Linko, the government expert medical witness.

“We know what they do now and we know to warn the public”, quotes Steve Westman, the United States attorney assigned to the case. “We can confidently say that Chipotle has been foiled.”

Chinese Court Overturns Car

The Central Court of China overturned a car on Tuesday. The car, a 15 year old Datsun had successfully been given guardianship of itself in a previous suit. The suit alleged that the Datsun’s factory was no longer fulfilling a role in its life and that it shouldn’t have to have a guardian’s permission to smoke.

overturned-car.jpg“The verdict was such a shock”, said Li Hi Bui, 23, the car’s driver. “I was hoping that the Central Court would uphold the lower court’s decision to allow it to smoke whenever it wants to. Now we have to do it in secret.”

The car and driver were arrested last year at a race track idling near the starting line. The car had just finished smoking its tires when the police arrived.

The crowd reaction was so full of anger that after the car was overturned, the police officers had to take cover behind their riot shields.

New Stealth Plane Lost

Airforce officials are embarrassed after finding out that the new Super Secret Plane that has been undergoing testing at a North Dakota airfield has gone missing.

supersecretstealth.jpg“The last we saw it, it was sitting right there in the hanger”, said Commander Lance Green (pictured at left), the last pilot to see the plane.

An air force spokesperson has asked that the public be on the lookout for a pilot that looks to be floating in mid-air. If you see anything suspicious, please contact the US Air Force.