Vindictive Mother Lets Thief Steal Dresses

A wedding dress theft occurred last Friday evening in Maplewood. 24 year old Stefanie Jacobson’s $1500 wedding dress was left in the care of her vindictive mother. “I really thought it would be safe with her until my big day”, said Stefanie.

Stefanie’s Wedding DressIt appears that Stefanie’s dress along with all five bridesmaid’s dresses and all six tuxedos was in transit to the rehearsal dinner on Friday evening at around 5:30PM. At the intersection of Frost Ave and White Bear Ave, a carjacking was taking place in front of Linda Jacobson, Stefanie’s mom. “I was dreading bringing all of that stuff to the dinner. I really don’t like Stone [Roberts, Stefanie’s fiance]”, said Linda. “When I saw the carjacking, I saw my opportunity to disrupt the greatest day of my daughter’s life.”

When the carjacking started, Linda jumped out and offered her car rather than the helpless victim in front of her. “The thief just looked at me like I was crazy”, said Linda. “He was like, okay. I can take your car instead.” The thief then hopped into the car and drove off. “I was so happy”, said Linda. “I just had to tell my daughter that I ruined her wedding! It was the greatest feeling a mother could have.”

The wedding continued, but Linda was not invited.

Man Lost in “Forest Lake Oblong”

A Washington Man disappeared in the Forest Lake Oblong this past Thursday. “His whereabouts are completely unknown”, said Forest Lake police officer, Richard Hammond. “We have had spotter planes up crisscrossing the oblong all night.”

The Forest Lake OblongThe last person to see 38 year old William Jones, was his sister, Rita, with whom he was visiting. “He came to visit us from Tacoma last week. He said he was going to go out for a drive. See, he loves the outdoors. He hunts and fishes all the time”, said a distraught Rita. “If he could, he would be fishing every day of his life.”

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Red Baron Also Charged With Illegal Dogfighting

Hot on the heals of Falcon’s player Michael Vick’s indictment, A federal grand jury posthumously indicted Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen, accusing him of taking part in a well-established dogfighting operation. You may also know von Richthofen as the Red Baron, the most successful flying ace of World War I. He was credited with 80 confirmed air combat victories, or “dog fights”.

The Red Baron“The Baron should be held accountable for all of the horrendous dealings he had in the dog fights of the early twentieth century”, claims federal prosecutor George Mays. “He is the most well known dog fighter in history.”

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