Today, Apple Incorporated received word from Patent lawyers that they now own exclusive rights to the English Alphabet. “This is a really swell victory for us, both as consumers of the English language and as Apple shareholders”, Duane Michals was quoted. Michals happened to be one of the lucky few that bought into Apple stock just after the iPhone had caused the Wall Street down grade. He now expects that he will be able to retire next year.

“The biggest obstacle for iPhone dominance was getting the patent on the English Alphabet”, said Stanley analyst Richard Steinhold. “Now everyone else in the country must license the alphabet from Apple, or risk litigation on the scale of the Microsoft anti-trust law suit. The licensing cost is expected to be so high that everyone will be forced to buy an iPhone.”

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Long time Wauwatosa resident and Lawn-Chair quarterback, Lawrence Biggins, was spotted floating 2500 feet above Lambeau Field Saturday. Biggins remained airborn for approximately two hours.

Upon landing, he was taken into custody by Green Bay police.After further questioning, he was quoted as saying “I told the wife that with only sixty-five days remaining until opening day, I wasn’t going to let the Pack off easy. Since my license was taken away, I had to come up with a way to travel the 129 miles to training camp so I could help coach the team.” As soon as he stood up from his chair, a gust of wind picked up what was left of his lawn-chair balloon. It was later spotted heading out towards lake Michigan. “Dang, that was my last can of beer too”, said Mr. Biggins.

A few hours before the practice session, Mr. Biggins proceeded to tie forty-six helium balloons to his favorite lawn chair, strap on four cases of Milwaukee’s Best and two pounds of pre-cooked bratwurst for ballast, and grab a bull horn and his .22 caliber pistol to shoot the balloons out so he could get back to earth. Throughout the interview, Mr. Biggins was fighting off hiccups “If they would have listened to me last year, we wouldn’t have been the laughing stock of the NFL.”

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