Today, Apple Incorporated received word from Patent lawyers that they now own exclusive rights to the English Alphabet. “This is a really swell victory for us, both as consumers of the English language and as Apple shareholders”, Duane Michals was quoted. Michals happened to be one of the lucky few that bought into Apple stock just after the iPhone had caused the Wall Street down grade. He now expects that he will be able to retire next year.

“The biggest obstacle for iPhone dominance was getting the patent on the English Alphabet”, said Stanley analyst Richard Steinhold. “Now everyone else in the country must license the alphabet from Apple, or risk litigation on the scale of the Microsoft anti-trust law suit. The licensing cost is expected to be so high that everyone will be forced to buy an iPhone.”

“With all of the horrible qualities and few positives about the iPhone, they had to come up with something to gain market share. I would say that Apple could not have done much better”, says IT Analyst Jim Hogan. “It’s a shame that they didn’t choose to make the phone better and get off of that crappy slow AT&T network.”

“Any smart phone that uses an English keyboard must pay royalty”, voiced patent expert Jeremy Riggs. “We could find no prior art that negates this patent.”