The United States Department of Homeland Security has announced the newest weapon in the battle to keep illegals out of the lower 48. Set to go up all around the borders, these specially treated lubricated fences will help deny access to US soil.

“When an illegal approaches the fence, he or she will soon see the wrath and might of the US of A!”, says Julio Santez, a high-ranking DHS official.  “As soon as they touch the fence, they will slip right off!”

Another official that refused to be named stated that by using this new method, US Taxpayers will save billions of dollars compared to if current security standards are expanded.

A well known technology company, LS Electronics, has filed a lawsuit in Beijing this week. LS released a highly sought after phone last year, called the Mocha. The phone was not available in China until early this year.

“By that time, the Chinese public thought that we were selling the fake knock-offs!”, exclaims Boo Yun, Chief of Design for LS Electronics. “We can’t believe it. How dare they think that!”

It is believed that LS has sold only 1 million of the Mocha phones in china, while the counterfeits account for 100 times that number.

26 year old Minneapolis resident, Jameson Pitchie, is “pretty sure” that he is not her baby’s daddy. “There ain’t no chance that I is the dad”, said Pitchie. “Jus because my last name rhymes with hers, don’t mean I am the one.”

Mr Pitchie has hired 1-800-Dial-A-Lawyer to help prove his case “just in case she comes looking to hit me up for some money or somethin”, says Pitchie. “I am jus waitin for Jerry to call me.”

“We have experts on call, waiting for when the time comes that we will need to run all sorts of tests, like DNA, MMR, and Tetanus”, quotes Jackson DiWandle, Dial-A-Lawyer’s representative. “We really feel that we have this one nailed!”