Local Twin Cities man, James Compton, has been named Employee of the Month for the first time ever. “He is the right man for the job” says company spokesperson Wilma Compton. “I am his mother. I should know.”

Mr Compton is the sole proprietor of Compton Casualty Consulting, a one-man operation that specializes in notifying clients if they have been in an accident and how injured they are. “It’s a niche market”, says Mr. Compton, “One that nobody else was doing. I just felt that people need to be notified if they are dead, ya know?”

It is unknown if there will be any new employees hired anytime soon.

Executives from NBC have let it be known that the new Knight Rider car, Knight Industries Three Thousand (KITT) will be missing an important piece of technology. The device that has been left out is a breathalyzer-based ignition system. Designers did not give the executives the reasoning as to why it was left out.
Skeptics say however that the device is not needed because David Hasselhoff will not be getting behind the wheel this time around.

Officials at the Metro Club were dismayed yesterday afternoon after realizing that the fund raiser that was recently held did not actually raise any funds. “I don’t understand why it didn’t work”, said promoter Richard Guelian. “I thought it was going to be a fool proof idea.”

The Metro Club had decided to have a sale to try and drum up interest in joining the club. “We had an overwhelming interest from people wanting more information about our club, but it seems that they really only wanted free muffins”, said Guelian. “Next year we will probably do things different.”

Anyone interested in the metro club can contact Richard Guelian at joe@aol.com. “We hope to get our membership up to at least 4 people by January.”