Officials at the Metro Club were dismayed yesterday afternoon after realizing that the fund raiser that was recently held did not actually raise any funds. “I don’t understand why it didn’t work”, said promoter Richard Guelian. “I thought it was going to be a fool proof idea.”

The Metro Club had decided to have a sale to try and drum up interest in joining the club. “We had an overwhelming interest from people wanting more information about our club, but it seems that they really only wanted free muffins”, said Guelian. “Next year we will probably do things different.”

Anyone interested in the metro club can contact Richard Guelian at joe@aol.com. “We hope to get our membership up to at least 4 people by January.”

A controversial new bill is set to pass this month that would make it mandatory for all school-age students (K-12) to wear a school uniform. “We miss the old Britney and there are those of us who think it would be nothing but a good thing to make every kid into a Britney autonomic android”, wrote Kevin Stiles, Government spokesperson on the Educational Process Mandate. “It just makes sense to us!”

“The Minnesota city of Lake Elmo has been renamed to Tickle Me Lake Elmo”, said city spokesperson, Ella Peterson. “We have had so many requests over the last few years that we finally decided to put it to a vote!” The small city on the Eastern border of the Twin Cities is often times overlooked. “We wanted to put our city on the map!”, said Johan Cielsen. “I was more than willing to put my name on the online petition.”